An open letter to Fairfax County Judges

An Open Letter to Judge Kimberly Daniels, Judge Thomas Mann and Judge Melinda VanLowe,

Judge Thomas Mann served as our Judge in 2017 and he mentioned the case of Burgan v. Zein to serve as a lesson for myself and __________ to focus on our daughter and her needs and for us to resolve our differences, if not for ourselves, at least for our daughter. 

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Judge Melinda VanLowe served as our Judge in 2024 and believed within the first 60 minutes of only a 180-minute hearing that my abuser should have full primary and legal custody without even hearing from my side.  Judge VanLowe even recommended that my husband and I bring our son to my abuser’s home.

For the past 14 years I have desperately tried to resolve our differences and co-parent with _______.  But I can no longer endure the abuse and terror of ______________ and his mother, who has spent every day for the past 14 years viciously trying to smear, accuse, bully, humiliate, degrade, harass, and financially destroy me with litigation.  While I realized shortly before ____ was born that his behavior was unhealthy and toxic, I could never fully escape from the abuse because he was her father.  He has used his parental rights as a weapon in which he could and would continue to abuse me and my family verbally, emotionally, psychologically, financially, and legally.

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We’ve been to counseling and each time he refuses to return once the counselors begin to express major concern for his behavior.  So far, we’ve gone through 3 counselors.   I’ve even asked him directly, “What do you want?  What will it take to stop these legal battles?”  And his response was, “I’m going to court no matter what. I want to have MY day in court.”

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When _____ doesn’t get what he wants in court, he will file appeals, and emergency motions. When those are denied, he refuses to comply with our court order and won’t return our daughter to me. 

He’s so intent on destroying my relationship with my daughter that he and his mother will sit in the school parking lot during my custodial time to prevent me from seeing or speaking with my daughter.  Even when asked by a Police Officer, to comply with our court order, he refused and called his attorney, Melanie Hubbard, who then spoke with the officer and told him that she was advising her client not to follow the court order.

From the very beginning, I read every parenting book, went to co-parenting counseling, and truly wanted to co-parent but no matter what I did, I was attacked.   I’ve utilized high conflict techniques such as responding in BIFF, or the grey rock method but it is clear that nothing will stop him.

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Every day I am constantly walking on eggshells because I never know what type of email I might get, if I’m being followed, filmed, recorded, if I’ll be served with a new motion, or if Child Protective Services is going to show up at my door.  Just like, Catherine Kassenoff, this is how I have been living for the past 14 years; “like a hunted animal, worried about when ____________ will make the next false accusation.”

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Once my husband and I had our son in ____, I was so happy to have or at least I believed I finally had the ability to mother my child without fear of wild accusations, or that someone was watching my every move.  I soon learned that I now couldn’t even do that because ____ and his mother could call Child Protective Services with fraudulent claims about my son and husband and that there was nothing, I could do to stop this.  They were so intent on destroying anything or anyone that I loved. 

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I know I’m a great mother.  I see my son, and he is such an amazing and happy human being.  He’s kind, loving, sweet and loves to give me hugs.  He also looks up to and loves his big sister so much. 

I want our son to continue to thrive and grow up to be a successful, independent, and kind human.  I also want him to know right from wrong and understand and respect rules and boundaries.  As his mother, I want him to be able to communicate in a healthy manner, I want him to treat others with kindness and respect, and I want him to be happy. 

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These are all things that I wish and have always wished for my daughter.

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What I’ve learned over the past 14 years is that parenting with ____ is a losing battle for everyone involved, except for the attorneys, therapists, and medical professionals that get paid.  If he doesn’t get what he wants, he will make my life and my family’s life a living hell at any cost and he has proven that.  What he doesn’t understand is the ongoing conflict, litigation and attacks also hurt our daughter.

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The court system has miserably failed to protect my daughter and myself from her father and allowed him to completely alienate her from her brother, extended family, and friends. 

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Her father’s animosity towards me has robbed him of good judgement and it has robbed our daughter of a stable sibling relationship and the important connection to her mother during her formative teen years. 

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What the court system needs to understand is that Child and Mother Sabotage (CAMS) is a form of indirect aggression and a common coercive control tactic.  The true target of this aggression is the other parent, and children are their weapons.  Therefore, CAMS is a form of domestic violence.

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This very system has even allowed and encourage my child to completely shut out her mother, brother and other family members out of her life and and allowed my abuser to accuse me of Parental Alienation.

The court often thinks that this is a problem between two parents who cannot get along, and it’s not. It's typically one-sided. Yet in my experience, the judges have essentially told us to “kiss and make up, play nice.”

We don't tell victims of bullying to go and shake hands with their bully on the playground. It doesn't work that way.

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There is a saying, “My way or the highway” and on ___________, _____ literally picked our daughter up from school and refused to return her because he did not get his way in the family court proceedings and then proceeded to file an emergency motion.  After the emergency motion was denied and therapy was court-ordered, ____ continued to violate our court order and refused to return my daughter to my home for over 22 days.

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My child never once said or mentioned she wanted to live with her father prior to him picking her up from school and taking her to court.  Her behavior changed overnight towards me, family members, and even family friends.  It’s obvious to everyone that she needs help and it’s the direct result of being emotionally and psychologically abused. This is called child and mother sabotage (CAMS) and when it is this severe, it needs to be treated as a true medical emergency.

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After a car crash, would we leave victims bleeding in the car while lawyers fight over who caused the crash? Of course not.  We would first rush the victims to appropriate medical treatment.

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The legal system must build a process for separating these cases from day-to-day divorce/custody cases, and train judges to identify early on whether a case has serious abuse, coercive control, and alientation tactics.  Extreme measures such as an immediate transfer to the targeted parent’s custody and separation period from all contact with the abusive parent are essential to stop further deterioration of the child’s mental health.

Long legal battles prolong and intensify the abuse.  The longer the courts take to intervene, the worse the abuse is likely to become, and the harder it is to reverse.  Combined with the fact that there are no consequences set in place for the abusive parent, so abusers can continue to violate court orders, and incessantly communicate with the child during the targeted parent’s custodial time.  This guarantees that the child will not be able to escape from the abuse.

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I mourn not only for the loss of my daughter but also for the countless others who have been failed by a system that should have been their lifeline. Their stories, like hers, are a reminder of the urgent need for change, for reform, for a legal system that is trained to recognize and immediately take action against domestic violence and coercive control, which often includes abusive litigation.  Our legal system is riddled with shortcomings and limitations which have failed her time and again.

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I am not a psychologist, a social worker, or an expert on child development.  I am, however, a mother and I believe without hesitation that my daughter needs and deserves the guidance and love of her mother in her life.

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I hope our legislators, other judges, attorneys, media and others will take notice of the price I’ve paid, the horrors of family court and how the family court system is enabling the emotional and physical abuse of children. 

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For the sake of my daughter and other mothers who live through this terror of domestic abuse, I ask that you please keep telling my story.

Sincerely,

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Victim of domestic abuse