Dear Daughter,

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I love you with all of my heart and want nothing but the best for you in life. 

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I’m sorry that I can no longer be there for you.  I have tried to be the best mother to you since the day you were born.

 

While I realized before you were born that your father’s behavior was unhealthy and toxic, I could never fully escape from the abuse because he was your father.  For the past 13 years, your father and his mother have used his "parental rights" as a weapon in which they could and would continue to degrade, accuse, threaten, and harass me and my family. 

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I read every parenting book, went to co-parenting counseling, and truly wanted to co-parent but no matter what I did, I was attacked - verbally, emotionally, and legally.  It came to the point that I was walking on eggshells all the time because I never knew what type of email I might get, if I was being followed, or being filmed, recorded, if I would be served with a new motion, or if Child Protective Services might show up at my door.  This is how I have been living for the past 13 years; like a hunted animal, worried about when your father would make the next false accusation.

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Once your brother was born, I was so happy to have or at least I believed I finally had the ability to mother my child without fear of wild accusations, or that someone was watching my every move.  I soon learned that I now couldn’t even do that because your father and his family could call Child Protective Services with fraudulent claims and that there was nothing, I could do to stop this.  They were so intent on destroying anything or anyone that I loved. 

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I know I’m a great mother.  I see your brother and he is such an amazing and happy human being.  He’s kind, loving, sweet and loves to give me hugs.  He also looks up to and loves his big sister so much.  As you even said in court, “he’s a good kid.” 

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I want your brother to continue to thrive and grow up to be a successful, independent, and kind human.  I also want him to know right from wrong and understand and respect rules and boundaries.  As his mother, I want him to be able to communicate in a healthy manner, I want him to treat others with kindness and respect, and I want him to be happy. 

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These are all things that I wish and have always wished for you. 

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What I’ve learned over the past 13 years is that parenting with your father is a losing battle for everyone involved, except for the attorneys, therapists, expert witnesses, and medical professionals, who get paid.  If he doesn’t get what he wants, he will make my life and my family’s life a living hell at any cost and he has proven that.   

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On ________, I immediately began to worry when you hadn’t come home from school, and it wasn’t until 2:40pm that your father sent me a text and email to say you weren’t coming home. I was worried since you’d never even said that you wanted to live at your dad’s home and you seemed happy, having your friends over every day, seeing your brother, and going to dance in the afternoons. This seemed out of character, especially since I dropped you off at school like I did every other morning.

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When I went to your dad’s house, he wouldn’t speak with us or even explain what his concerns were and told me to “go away,” or he was going to call the police.  So your step dad and I and I called the non emergency police because we were concerned about your welfare. None of this made sense and even your father wouldn’t speak with me.

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In my heart of hearts, I truly believe you wanted to come back home on _________. I believe that when you first saw the cops arrive you thought for a fleeting moment that they might save you and you could come home.  I could sense it in every fiber of my body.  And it was clear that the police officer could sense it too and he could see that you were being coached which is why he came to court.

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But that moment quickly came to an end as you witnessed your grandmother and father yell at the cops and repeat the same stories, they’ve been telling you for years.  Once they put their attorney on the phone with the cops and told them that she was advising her client to violate a court order, you knew it was over, you could never get out.  If the cops can’t save you? Who can?

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And instead of your father speaking to me directly about concerns, he continued to force you to choose by taking you out of school to testify.  Since then, you’ve never been the same. 

I can’t imagine how terrifying that must have been.  You are just a child and should never have been put in a situation like that.

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Now you won’t and can’t speak to me.  Not just me, but also your step dad, your younger brother, grandparents, uncles, aunts, neighbors, and family friends.  It’s obvious to everyone that you are in the midst of a crisis and feel that you need to choose “sides,” and it’s the direct result of being emotionally and psychologically abused for years.  This is also known as Child and Mother Sabotage (CAMS) – This is when coercively controlling male abusers sabotage the children’s relationship with their mother in order to:

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• enforce their belief that the mother and children should be obedient to them and their authority in the family. (For such abusers, children are considered a possession, beneath the mother who is also seen by the abuser as a possession.)

• abuse the mother by indirectly hurting her relationship with her children.

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It’s heartbreaking for our family to witness and I feel helpless because there is nothing, I can do to help you. 

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You’ve never once said you wanted to live at your dad’s house prior to him filing an emergency motion and now you won’t speak or even communicate with me. Besides saying “yes” or “no” to me begrudgingly, you haven’t had a full conversation with me since your father filed the emergency motion over 8 months ago. You won’t leave your room or speak to me or family members. It’s been really sad for us to witness, and it makes us sad to see how you’ve shut out your younger brother.  Ever since he was born, he’s loved you so much and always looked up to you; he use to follow you around everywhere, you were his biggest role model and hero.

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I love you with all my heart but I can’t and won’t allow your father’s vendetta against me to continue to dictate my life and interfere with how I parent my son. And I will no longer allow you to continue to treat me in the same abusive manner that your father does, which is why I must set boundaries to protect myself, and your brother. 

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I hope you will someday learn from this and get all the answers you need to make the best decisions for yourself.  I hope you reflect, ask tough questions, think for yourself, and are open to learning something new. 

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One day you will open your eyes.  A real parent doesn’t tear down the other parent and let their feelings be known to their kids.

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I want you to know that I will always be here when you need me and are ready to talk. Take care and I will say a prayer for you. 

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Love,

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Mom